My therapist asked how I was doing on my goal of working out. “I joined a gym! A climbing gym!”

“So you, joined a climbing gym, to address your need for physical activity and reduce anxiety?”

I smiled big and nodded.

“Of course you did.”

That was about a decade ago. Her shocked but not surprised response was because she was hoping that I would find a fitness routine that didn’t involve clearly defined goals. That I would find something that allowed me to let go of seeing the world as wins and failures. While I still classify my climbing attempts as failures, climbing has taught me so much about life and how to take more risks. It has humbled this tomboy who practically lived in the front yard tree, but also reminded me of the joy of climbing.

I discovered indoor rock climbing when my daughter was young. She loved to climb at festivals and those indoor play places for kids. If you don’t have kids, it’s basically a McDonald’s playland on steroids - bouncy houses, obstacle courses, and a small climbing wall. She was so good that I thought I should find her a challenge.

On one of her many school holidays, I drove us way out into the suburbs to the only gym I could find that allowed guests to use the climbing wall. We had a blast. She was so tiny and strong and climbed the 30 foot wall with ease to the amusement and astonishment of everyone watching. This gym also had a bell at the top of the wall so she delighted in making that bell ring. As did her mom.

Now my Instagram is filled with videos of bouldering. Bouldering is when you are climbing without a rope. You don’t go up too high, maybe 15 feet. I used to jump off the roof of my house, so that doesn’t feel too high. My knees have a different opinion. The gym I go to only has bouldering. I have access to a different gym where I can top rope - the climbing where you wear a harness and use a rope to get to the top of the wall.

When I first started climbing I thought bouldering wasn’t challenging. I saw top roping as the challenge. It was hard to get to the top of those walls! How hard is it to get to the top of a short wall? Well it turns out, really fucking hard.

And yes, the hard is the difficulty that you can see from the ratings scale. Bouldering routes are rated from V0 (zero) to V10. I can consistently finish, or send, a V2. I just sent a V3 last week. Due to injuries over the past few years, I’m finally feeling closer to my Before Times ability.

The hard in climbing and what makes bouldering a different hard than top rope is that there is no rope. The mental hard is when I am trying to figure out how to get to the next hold and I know I’m about an inch too short - whether my legs or my arms - and I need to take a leap. In climbing there is a move called a dyno, where you do leap with all your limbs to a hold. Kinda like a cat leaping from the counter to the top of the fridge. I don’t dyno. I always have a hold or a foot on the wall. But there are moments when I need to take both hands off the wall and leap.

These leaps are part leap of faith and leaps of faith in my athleticism. Faith that I have climbed enough to know that I can make that jump and land that grab. That the distance is small enough that I can do it.

This is why I record my climbs. In my early days, I often stopped at a hard part thinking I couldn’t do it. Then I take a look at the video and see that I missed a foothold that would make that “too hard” achievable. Or sometimes I would just yell at myself, “Come the fuck on, V, DO IT!!!!” and then I would make it and think, “Oh, that was easier than I thought!” Even when the leaps are just as hard as I thought, attempting them is an achievement. This is why when I send a climb, I often throw my head back as I yell, “YES!”

And yes, I yell at myself a lot while climbing. But you know when I do my best? Not only in terms of sending harder routes, but feeling my best after? When I’m climbing with Climb Big Chicago - a climbing community for all body types, but especially fat climbers. This community is filled with cheerleaders and negative self-talk is always prohibited. You know how home field advantage is a thing because fans yell at refs? It’s kinda like that, but instead of being yelled at, I’m being cheered on by friends. Yes, apparently I am a better climber when I surround myself with friends instead of just my internal screaming. Who woulda thunk it?!

This brings me back to my therapist.

I did report to her, and do as often as I can, that climbing is teaching me to trust my instincts, trust in the expertise I have developed, and have faith that things will turn out. Sure, I take a leap and miss a hold, but I dust myself off and try again. And yeah, I’ve also fallen and but for the grace of the goddess didn’t break a wrist, but I had my community to grab an ice pack and take care of me.

While I still compete with and yell at myself to “fucking finish this climb,” I am also listening to my body better when I need to quit. This is key to not hurting myself, again. It is helping me as I transition away from my career into a great unknown (I hope to have something to share soon). That this leap is scary, but I’ve been training for this moment my whole life. And no matter what, my people got me.

How I am Persisting - Reading

I saw you on the Kiss Cam at the Coldplay concert by Nicole Cardoza. By now most of you know what happened on the Kiss Cam at the Coldplay concert. It set off a zillion memes and sport teams are jumping on the Kiss Cam wagon with fans who know what to do. Heck even the mascots know what to do. The Kiss Cam may never be the same. Nicole comes in to this conversation with a boatload of commentary on surveillance technology and how eager some of us are about recording strangers and putting them on blast on the internet. Some folks definitely deserve it like racists calling the police on Black people existing in the world. More and more people feel like they can record strangers for their personal social media content. And they do it without thinking about that person’s privacy. This newsletter is excellent at framing the larger privacy concerns that one doesn’t think about on a daily basis, but we should.

The Bewitching By Silvia Moreno-Garcia. This book has three stories - two really good ones and one decent one. The trouble is that the three aren’t woven together in a way that made me care about everyone or where it was going. I really loved Mexican Gothic and Moreno-Garcia weaves Mexican magic, brujeria, in to one of the tales in a way I wished the whole book was about. While I don’t give this a go buy it now rating, it was a good read. Maybe it just wasn’t for me.

Julie DiCaro at Losing My Perspicacity does a great job writing up all this E-list conversations. I don’t need a list. I believe women. And y’all (not any of you, I am sure) who voted for him, voted for a sexual predator.

Mayra by Nicky Gonzalez is my current read. It was really good until it got to a point where I feel like it jumped a shark or added in a new subplot that is distracting from getting to the main point, but I’m still holding off on judgement until I finish this baby. Cause horror in the Everglades should make for a great ending. Should.

Mirk Work. Shay Mirk continually puts out solid content. Not only do they wax poetically about the meaning of the American flag in our current era, but they always suggest other great things to read.